I Want You To Want Me

I’m tackling a tough topic again today – intimacy when you live with Chronic Pain. If you remember the Cheap Trick song, it’s been on my mind lately:

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d love you to love me.
I’m beggin’ you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d love you to love me.

How do you enjoy an active and healthy love life when you’re in pain all the time. How do you appease your partner, who may not understand what it’s like to be in pain 24/7. Even when you’ve explained it a million different ways, when it comes to talking about sex, and how painful it can be, it’s not an easy conversation, no matter how long you’ve been a couple. And your sexual orientation makes no difference either.

Intimacy is the fuel that keeps a good relationship running. It encompasses so much more than just sex. Think about the different ways it’s defined in the Thesaurus:

  1. the state of being intimate.
  2. a close, familiar and unusually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
  3. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like, to allow the intimacy of using first names.
  4. an amorously familiar act; liberty.
  5. sexual intercourse.

Intimacy is also about being close emotionally. When was the last time you went on a date? When was the last time you actually sat and talked to each other ABOUT each other? Not about work or the kids, but about the two of you and how you’re doing. What’s new, what’s real, what you love about each other? When was the last time you looked into each other’s eyes and said “I love you” and really meant it?

If you haven’t dated for a while, maybe it’s time you did. Here are 25 easy date ideas that might get you started in the right direction:

  1. Go to a community play,
  2. Do an inside or outside picnic
  3. Work out together
  4. Go roller skating or ice-skating
  5. Movie marathon with ice cream sundaes
  6. Play hide and seek in a cornfield (or the woods)
  7. Go on a walk around your neighbourhood in the evening
  8. Go to estate sales together
  9. Make a romantic dinner at home
  10. Build something together
  11. Go bowling
  12. Go hiking!
  13. Find the best happy hours in town and make the appetizers your meal
  14. Have friends over and play board games
  15. Go to an antique store and talk about the past lives of old objects
  16. Get some thrift store tennis rackets and go to your city’s free courts
  17. Go to the neighbourhood pool
  18. Fly kites!
  19. Test drive an expensive car
  20. Go on a tour beer, food, etc.
  21. Find out what tours businesses in your city offer and try one out.
  22. Go thrifting or garage sale-ing together
  23. Do a breakfast date
  24. Find a free (or very cheap) class and take it together
  25. Go to the animal shelter and pet the animals

So once you’ve reconnected and you’re ready for sex again, the Mayo Clinic offers these suggestions when you have a partner who lives with Chronic Pain*

Sexual intercourse is just one way to satisfy your need for human closeness. Intimacy can be expressed in many different ways.

  • Touch. Exploring your partner’s body through touch is an exciting way to express your sexual feelings. This can include holding hands, cuddling, fondling, stroking, massaging and kissing. Touch in any form increases feelings of intimacy.
  • Self-stimulation. Masturbation is a normal and healthy way to fulfil your sexual needs. One partner may use masturbation during mutual sexual activity if the other partner is unable to be very active.
  • Oral sex. It can be an alternative or supplement to traditional intercourse.
  • Different positions. Lie side by side, kneel or sit. Look in your library or bookstore for a guide that describes and illustrates different ways to have intercourse. If you’re embarrassed to get this kind of book locally, try an online book retailer.
  • Vibrators and lubricants. A vibrator can add pleasure without physical exertion. If lack of natural lubrication is a problem, over-the-counter lubricants can prevent pain from vaginal dryness.
*https://www.mayoclinic.org/chronic-pain/art-20044369

The key factors to intimacy are trust, respect and honesty. You need to be able to trust your partner won’t push you into something you’re not physically able to do and will respect your limits. There needs to be honesty between the two of you and with yourselves as well. Don’t use your Chronic Pain as an excuse to get out of sex if it really isn’t a problem…that’s not fair to your partner. If you’re avoiding sex for another reason, then be honest. If you’re mad at your partner for something they’ve done, then say so. Tell them what and why and talk it out.

Don’t use your health to avoid other issues, because you’re simply breaking the trust and respect factors when you do that. You already have enough physical pain in your life – don’t add mental pain as well. Intimacy is too valuable a commodity to just throw away. Keep working on it and before you know it, you’ll be building and rebuilding the relationship of your dreams. And that’s no Cheap Trick!

There is always hope

 

 

 

About LadyPamelaRosehttps://pamelajessen.comWelcome! This blog is my life with Chronic Pain, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and living with Invisible Illness, including Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, D.I.S.H., Hip Replacement, Trigeminal Neuralgia, Myofascial Pain, Diabetes Type 2 (on Insulin), Gastroparesis, Hypothyroidism and Bipolar Disorder. Despite this, I am also a volunteer with Patient Voices Network - an organization in British Columbia that allows everyday people to have a voice in how healthcare is delivered in our province. I also volunteer with Island Health in a similar role. I want people to know they can have a say in BC's Health Care and that voice can be in any number of different ways. It's important for our voices to be heard and I love to talk about how that works!

5 thoughts on “I Want You To Want Me

  1. Great topic that isn’t talked about out loud outside of the must trusted of friends and family.
    I like all the ideas, and He-Man and I started doing quite a few of them when our children were teenagers and not spending as much time at home. It helped us ease into being Empty Nesters, and find us again.

    Now I’ve got to listen to this song or it will be playing in my head all night. 😊

    Like

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